My Life At Death

“Mr. Brockett, I regret to inform you that you have secondary heart cancer. I’m so sorry.”

These were the words that changed my life; we went to the hospital because I collapsed right in the middle of an argument, I was having extreme chest pain. Amy, my girlfriend, brought me to the hospital and they ran test on me for about five weeks before they finally diagnosed me with heart cancer.

“In my honest observation, during this operation, we found a complication in your heart, you’ve got just maybe two weeks left to live. I am again, truly sorry. I’ll leave you to your grief.”

I remember actually laughing when he said that because I welcomed death, my life was shit so death was like retirement for me. When my heart was starting to go, I held the nurses hand tightly, reaching to the bright lights above me. When my heart finally flatlined I screamed out and it was as if the world around me fell away, and as I was laying on the hospital bed I saw a parade marching towards me. There was a float with a band on it and dozens of people marching behind them. It was mind-boggling. I slowly walked up to the float. That was when I saw a figure walking, it was dressed in an old victorian ballroom dress, a gas mask on its face and it had big, poofy, curly white hair all around the gas mask and on the top of her head.

“Where am I?” I asked.

“You are in the afterlife, in your fondest memory. The moment when you visited the parade with your father in the city,” it said with a soft but strong voice that wasn’t of this world.

I furrowed my forehead at its answer. I looked around at the bleak and dismal landscape that was around me and that’s when I realized that this was indeed the street the parade was on, this was indeed the city my father and I went to.

“So who are you?” I asked without hesitation.

“My name is Mother War, I’m your guide through the afterlife.”

“Why do you look like that?”

“All in due time, please, follow me.”

She started to walk away from me and away from the parade, I followed her because what else was I gonna do. She walked at a steady pace, not too slow but not too fast either. Soon the dismal world with the black parade faded into darkness. I soon heard laughter, like not evil but fun. And the chattering of people, it, sounded like a party. The world seemed to blend back into place, it was night and we were walking towards a house, lit up, with music blasting from it. Tons of people talking outside with drinks in hand. I remember this, that’s right, this was the time I ran away from home and went to a party, I drank so much I got alcohol poisoning.

“Was this the time when I was a teen and nearly died?” I asked.

“Yes, this was the start of how you ended up here. You’ve had a near death experience and you had visions of where you would happen if you kept this up, God had placed it there as a warning, a desperate chance to keep you on the “good path” but it didn’t work, you still continued.”

We were hovering over my body laying on the ground surrounded by people who didn’t even notice. I really went on a bender and it definitely showed.

“I thought I was invincible, I thought that me and the other vampires that ruled the night could never be forced down by society.”

Mother War started walking away from me again and the world drained away. A new world appeared and I instantly knew where I was, this was the time I shot up my high school. I was so upset with the constant being picked on and the hate I was getting just for being a teenager. I lashed out and shot up the entire school. A gunshot, screams, more shots, the dropping of bodies, the screams again. I can hear it all.

“Your mind was so broken on this day, you had no mental awareness of what you were doing. Your mind was so fogged up,” she said.

“Yeah, well, they deserved it. They were never nice to me anyway.”

Mother War just shook her head and moved on. I followed. I could hear a heart monitor beeping and talking. We fast forward eight years to present day.

“Mr. Brockett, I regret to inform you that you have secondary heart cancer. I’m so sorry.”

There’s those words again. This was when they told me I had cancer. We are going through every major event in my life up until my death.

“This was the moment when the doctors told me I had cancer. Must I see this again? It literally happened.”

“Yes, it’s important for you to see this. You must see what went wrong at these moments.”

“I’ll leave you to your grief.”

“Hey, would you mind getting me a drink of water?” I asked Amy, “My lips are so chapped and faded.”

“Sure, I guess that wouldn’t be a problem.”

She walked over to the sink, grabbed a cup, filled it with water, and gave it to me. After gulping it all down I asked her to grab the phone so she could call my aunt Marie.

“Okay, I can’t do this anymore. You are so fucking needy. This is getting a little ridiculous. I’m just going to leave,” Amy said.

“Wait, baby, please, don’t go. I need you now more than ever. Without you, I’m nothing. You are my life, my world; please, don’t leave.”

“We will never be compatible. I mean really, we fight all the time, and honestly, what’s the point of staying around anymore. You’re going to die anyway, so what’s the point of staying around. Just leave me alone!”

“You want to be like that, fine! I don’t need you anyways, so why don’t get your ass out that door and never look back you bitch!”

She looked at me with utter shock and disgust. She then sneered, turned around, and walked straight out the door, never looking back. After that moment I was bubbling with rage but then it started to deplete and I thought about what has happened. That was when I realized what I’ve done, I threw my love out of the hospital, while I’m going through cancer. I called her and after a long wait she finally picked up.

“What?” she said kind of soulful like.

“Baby, I’m so sorry for what I’ve done and what I’ve said. It was not right at all. I’m so, so, sorry. Will you ever forgive me?”

A long pause on her end, she eventually spoke up.

“No, I don’t think I can ever forgive you for what you have done.”

“I’ve realized that, honestly, it would be for the best to just let go of me, I’m just going to cause you even more pain. My only wish is that you would say, “I don’t love you like I did yesterday.”

“I’m sorry but I don’t love you liked I loved you yesterday.”

There is is, the deal breaker. The thing to end our relationship. I hung my head low and said:

“Alright, thank you. I’m sorry it had to end this way.”

I hung up the phone and sighed. I grabbed some paper and a pen, I was going to write a letter to my mother. I’ve talked to her since I was a young child. Not that she cared anyway. I felt as if she had the right to know that I was dying. The letter went like this:

Hello Mother,

I hope you are doing well. I just wanted to let you know that I have cancer, I’m going to die within two weeks. My life on this earth was hell and I am most likely going to Hell but that’s okay because everyone does. We all are going to die mother and that is a fact. Please don’t ask me any questions because I don’t want to see you cry. When you go to Hell don’t blame me because I never did anything to you. I’ve accepted death and Hell, you are never going to gain back my love because you don’t deserve it.

I await her reply and low and behold she replies back with the fact that she doesn’t care. She mentioned the fact that she was going to Heaven because she was such a saint and how she wished she never had a son to begin with. She wasn’t just opening the can of worms she was dumping it all over the place.

Well mother, your war against me has done nothing but caused me heartache and pain, you could have raised me as a girl and I should have been a better son, I’ll admit that but maybe we could get past our problems if you would just let us amputate ‘em! The shit that I’ve done would make you cry your eyes out! We’re damned after all so let us go out with a bang!

I never talked to her again after that. Not just because I died but I refused too.

“So, what’s my fate? That’s the last thing that happened before I died. Am I going to Hell? I mean I’ve done plenty of evil things in my life so I deserve it or am I going to Heaven? If I do make sure to gather the choir boys around to greet me.”

She just shook her head again, this time speaking more than just a sentence.

“Do you feel nothing? The purpose of this was to try and convince you to see the error of your ways, yet though each and every one of these memories you just acknowledge that it had happen, in some cases not even a shred of remorse. Are you just truly this evil?”

“No, I’m not evil, my life was shit. Everyone I have ever met was just an asshole to me, the world was against me at every turn which fueled my depression and anger, that depression and anger then fueled my drinking, that drinking then fueled my inability to think logically. You are right I have no remorse for what I have done, I don’t regret what I have done and neither should you. All this is telling me is that life is not worth living, what’s the point. Life will be a shitfest, and we all just die anyways so what is the point!”

“Life; will be hard but that shouldn’t distract from the fact that there are so many good things in life worth living for. A family of your own, pets, a loving spouse, a wonderful child. That is what life is worth living for, you can’t just give up. If you face hardships in your life that means you are going the right way, hardships is what makes life more challenging, it’s what makes you become a better person. The world can never get better if we all just gave up, we must stay strong and just survive. That is why it’s so important to stay alive, so you can see another day, and so you can remake the world in your own image. Do you understand it now?”

“I guess so, I mean my life wasn’t all bad but what does it matter I’m dead anyways.”

“Well, death is not always permanent.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I can send you back to Earth. All you have to do is just remember what I have said, don’t give up on life, ever! No matter what you think there is always someone out there thinking about you and they would be devastated if they heard you died.”

“Okay, do it. I’ll persevere through life. Death will come but it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy life.

She slowly started to disappear, like smoke blowing in the wind. Everything around me seem to blow away. I look up above me and see that really bright light again.

I guess it’s time for me to go back, I thought to myself.

My eyes open, I can hear the beeping of the heart monitor. I look over to my left to see Amy standing there.

“Amy, honey, I’m so glad to see you. I know we left this relationship off on bad terms but that doesn’t mean we can’t make it work again. I promise that I’ll never get angry with you again, I’ll never lash out. I know there’s nothing I can say to change that part. And I know I can’t make you stay but where’s your heart? Will you take me back?

“Yes, yes I will.”

I sighed and we hugged, I’m so glad we could finally get back together. I wouldn’t be afraid to walk this world alone but I’m glad I don’t have to.

I look around me and I noticed that there was dozen of flowers around me and a blood bag attached to my arm.

“Why the blood bag?” I ask.

“Well, you were dead for a while so the doctors thought they could take your blood for other patients.”

“Well then, give them give them gallons of the stuff, they have all they can drink and it has never been enough. Make me a celebrated man amongst the gurneys which is really quite alarming cause I’m such an awful fuck. I guess I’m the kind of human wreckage that you love.